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Ok, I been gone for a while, but I'm back. Tell yer gramma to hide.
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| Theres a splinter in my jesus box |
| 06.09.04 (6:59 pm) [edit] |
So I made this box to keep photos of Jesus in, but when I went to open it I got this giant fuckin splinter in my wrist. And I'm like 'holy shite, Im like Christ here, with my bleeding wrists! Like the 'passion!' And so I went on a hunt to find pics of the jeez to put in my box....but I couldnt find any, new or old. You know why? CAUSE JESUS AINT REAL AND NEVER WAS! Asses.
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| Whats a dickfor? |
| 04.11.04 (11:45 am) [edit] |
I remember when someone told me, "There's a dickfor on your head." And I said, "What's a dickfor?" And then everyone laughed. That's when I got my gun.
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| EYEBALZ! |
| 03.05.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
Man - long time no post. But let me say this....
If there were ever a person who should never be stabbed in the eye with a fork, it's me. And I know what you all are thinking, you're thinking, but hey! There are organ donor orphans DYING to give their precious, precious eyes! Yes, I know, but you see, my eyes aren't designed to be forked. They are softer than normal people's eyes and take pronging the wrong way. Like when you ask a fat woman if she's preggers. Same thing. Touchy eyes.
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| Paprika, my love |
| 06.18.03 (3:39 pm) [edit] |
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Paprika...oh you spice of life! I have yearned for you past the expiration date on the milk that I purchased from the dollar store...for a dollar. As the date rolled by and the milk soured, so did your love for me! My cupboard is bare, paprika! You mock me with your red deliciousness! Your powdered sensuality! Do you remember, paprika, the wonderful days and passionate nights in Maui? The way you caressed me? Gold bond has nothing on you, baby! Come back to me, paprika! I CAN CHANGE! I CAN BE A BETTER MAN FOR YOU! My food is bland and tasteless without you, and my life as well! Come and make me whole again! Im..not saying this to make you jealous, but...the garlic salt has been making moves...I dont want to think about losing you right now...but that garlic...I dont know how long I can resist. I YEARN FOR THEE, PAPRIKA!!!! PAAAAAPRRRRRIIIIIIIIIKKKK KKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
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| other uses for the vagina |
| 06.06.03 (10:28 am) [edit] |
We all know what the vagina's main purpose is, however I have put all my efforts into finding other purposes for this chasm of lust.
1. Every time I go on a road trip I always have trouble when I reach the toll booth. Gotta get out the wallet, gotta find the change in that ever so tricky coin holder..etc. NO MORE! With the vagina, exact change is only two fingers away! Plus, the coins aren't disturbingly cold to the touch after being warmed by god's change purse!
2. Wynona Rider would have never been caught had she simply put all of those stolen items in her vagina. I mean, come on, woman- the vagina can accomodate a child up to 12 pounds, and maybe more. You can fit a small TV in there! To my best guestimate one could fit approximately $400 worth of fine goods (but no services) into a well conditioned vagina. Unfortunately the resale value of said items drops dramatically after their habitation of the "wookie with no body," so if you're going to vagina-lift, lift only for your self or a loved one.
3. Don't have a candle holder? Now you do! My advice is to wrap the vagina first in tin foil to avoid any wax burns. This can be referred to as the "vaginalabra." Also very useful in dark caves- just throw the vagina and woman that belongs to the vagina over your shoulder and you can be Indiana Jones. Dont forget your bag of sand.
4. You can keep your bag of sand in the vagina.
5. The vagina can do impressions of celebrity lips! Mick Jagger is easiest, but depending on the size of the labia you can also do Julia Roberts to Keifer Sutherland!
6. Are you James Bond? Do you like your martinis shaken, not stirred? BUT, OH NO! You don't have a martini shaker do you? No, none of us do. But there is hope! Simply pour the gin and vodka (Or whatever is your preference) into the vagina and have the woman it belongs to jump around to some Cris-Cross jammin and in seconds you have a perfectly made martini. Simply add olives and chill.
7. Everyone hates it when you get drive-thru and it gets cold on the way home. You know what to do.
8. Raise sea monkeys!
9. Although this is somewhat repetitive, the vagina is really where you should keep your savings. The First Bank of Vagina. (Publicly traded under symbol FBV on the NYSE) A vagina in many cases is harder to open than a safety deposit box.
10. Re-enact the scene from "Return of the Jedi" on Tatooine where Boba Fett falls into the Sarlac Pit.
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